Zucchini Party #forever

I dedicate this post to my vegetarian pals. Without you I would eat nothing but chicken and Doritos. Your influence is inspirational and good for my waistline.

So I have a weird relationship with food; I love to cook but hate to clean up and love eating vegetarian but know I'm going to end up starving and will eat a bowl of Gummi Bears. But I do love zucchini and think they deserve a little spotlight.

I found two recipes and, of course, had to experiment with them because I think directions are SstuUuuuUupiiIiiIiD. Here's what happened:

Grilled Zucchini Pizza

by: Erin Brooks
"she cooks, she gardens"

http://shecooksshegardens.com/2012/12/grilled-zucchini-pizza/

Ingredients:

1 Wholemeal Wrap  I don't get it.  What is wholemeal?  Is that wholegrain?  I used wheat.
2 tbs Hommus  I had hummus, not hommus.  I don't even... whatever.
1/2 Medium-Sized Zucchini  Finally, something I understand.  I used my mandolin slicer.
1-2 tbs Verjuice (optional) You know what I have to say about this.  Is a "ver" a cactus?  Like... 
     aloe VERa?  #skip

12 g Feta Cheese  

2 tbs Sunflower Seeds  #skip
1/2 ts Lemon Myrtle  Again with the nonsense.  Lemon Myrtle was a dragqueen I met in Virginia Beach in the
     90s... and I'm CERTAINLY not putting that bitch in my toaster oven.  Substitute lemon juice.

Salt & Pepper to taste  Plus red pepper flakes
Garnish - Snow Pea Sprouts  No.

Directions:

1 - Turn on grill.

I will kill you so hard for telling me to turn on my grill.  I live in a studio apartment - it's a toaster oven or I'm not doin it.

2 - Lay wrap out flat on an over tray.

Paper plate and then directly on the rack.

3 - Thinly slice zucchini into coins and, if using, sprinkle over a little of the verjuice

I spread em out nice and perdy.  I overlapped them a little because I really like zucchini.
4 - Spread out hommus onto the base to cover.

Nice and easy - treat it like a lady.
5 - Top with zucchini, a little feta, and some sunflower seeds

I skipped the seed and added sun-dried tomato.  I win.
6 - Sprinkle a little lemon myrtle over the top and then season with salt and pepper.

Cut a lemon in half and squeeze a little taste over all your goodies.  NOT too much.

7 - Pop under the grill for about 10 minutes until lightly browned.

Ok... I'm not sure what kind of grills they have in Australia but the only one I am familiar with you put things on top of, not below.  I'm not sure if she means a broiler or what.  I popped it in my toaster oven, on the rack, for about 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

8 - Garnish with some snow pea sprouts and serve.

F the sprouts.  They taste like grass.  DO serve with a seasonal ale.

Baked Zucchini Chips

by: Erin Brooks

"Vittles and Bits"

http://vittlesandbits.blogspot.com/2012/03/baked-zucchini-chips.html

Ingredients:

1 Zucchini  

Canola Spray  LOL... we'll get to this.

Salt & Pepper (Or any other seasoning)  Again, plus red pepper flakes.

Directions:

1 - Preheat oven to 225 degrees Fahrenheit.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or nonstick foil and spray with canola oil.  Set aside.

Simple enough...  Turned on the oven and lined a pan with foil.  I tossed my zucchini in a little EVOO instead.

2 - Slice zucchini into thin medallions, about the thickness of a quarter. (You can either use a knife & a very steady hand, or a mandoline slicer.)

I used a mandolin slice because I'm not too steady with a knife at my age.

3 - Lay out slices on prepared baking sheet, and spray tops lightly with additional cooking spray. Sprinkle with seasonings of your choice. (A note on seasoning, however - use LESS than what seems appropriate. These shrink considerably in the oven, and if you use too much it gets very concentrated. It's better to end up underseasoning and add more later.)

I had already tossed mine in a little seasoning so I didn't really feel the need to season any more.  I got this whole zucchini chip thing on LOCK.


4 - Place in preheated oven and bake 45 minutes. Rotate baking sheet, and bake an additional 30-50 minutes, until chips are browned and crisped to your liking. These are best eaten within a couple hours of removing from the oven, as they start to get chewy if left out. 

One zucchini makes one serving 

(1/4 C. - 1/3 C. of chips depending on the size of your squash).

HERE THEY ARE!!!  ZUCCHINI CHIPS!!!

Wait.  No it's not because I never GOT ANY because I can't make this recipe fucking work. Let us examine the deets:

1 - I thought I would be smart and just toss them in olive oil.  I burned them to an absolute crisp.
2 - I didn't heed the warning about salt and they shrunk and tasted like black flakes of burned salt.
3 - Re-did the recipe and followed the directions exactly but the slices literally baked flat into the pan and became zucchini paper.  There's no coming back from that.
4 - 45 minutes...25 minutes... I don't get it.  I really just don't get how to make this one work.

Overall opinion is that Zucchini Pizza is easy, worth it, tastes good, and hard to mess up.  If anybody else has a tasty recipe throw it at me because I'm all about a crunchy treat... except when it's burned up crunchy pieces of zucchini "chips" and then I say no thank you - Pretzels are juuuust fine.