In Chicago you have a few options for living situations:

- Apartment

- Condo

- Single Family Home

The majority of the 20-40 somethings I know go with an apartment. It is temporary, nothing is your responsibility to fix or maintain, if you find a nut-job roommate off Craigslist you ONLY have to sleep with a knife under your pillow for one year.   Water off a duck's back. 

A year in, I have lived in two apartments here - The first I left because of "louse" issues. Coming from small-town Ohio, I was not prepared to shop around for the things I assumed came standard in an apartment because I never really had to - it was typically trashy, so-so or nice. I promised myself that the next time I box up and scoot into a new pad, I would be prepared and know exactly what to look for/consider & what absolutely won't work.  I'm clearly not a pro but I'm one particular guy and I pride myself on having a comfortable home. 

I present you with:

My Guide to Neighborhood Apartment Hunting 

in Chicago 

Important Terms (and what they really mean)

• Charming - Small

• Vintage - Old and probably a bit busted

• Renovated - New Microwave

• Easily Accessible - Within 1 mile

• Carpet - Run. Run away fast. 

A lot of the apartments buildings here are very old.  At least the structures are old. Now one of the things I do love about Chicago is that there is always a building somewhere being completely gutted and renovated beyond a new microwave or light switch cover.  The masonry and architecture here is pretty much stunning as well and there are a lot of hidden treasures tucked into random nooks and crannies. 

Old units, while they have their charm, come with a slew of issues with which you might not be accustomed to dealing...

Vintage

Old Pipes

Garbage disposals became more readily available in the 1940-50s but that doesn't mean they were installed or, if they were, updated in apartment buildings. Pipes gunk and close off smaller and smaller until they are almost unusable without the assistance of a plumber. Some landlords will pay for a visit and some won't. Check for a garbage disposal and know that if its not there, u need to be careful what goes down the kitchen drain. If you cook a lot, that could definitely end up an issue.  I don't know about you all but those little drain catcher things that let water through but hold all the food parts... gah-ross.  That totally freaks me out touching a bunch of cold, wet food nibblets. Water is always included in rent in Chicago so check how everything drains. Just pretend to use the restroom or I mean, I guess you could actually use it but they still might wonder why you turned on the sink, shower, and flushed the toilet.

Paint/Fixtures 

The walls and baseboards in a vintage unit have probably been painted 100 times. Anything like a built in cabinet or old French doors will probably have that thick-with-paint look and stick whenever you open or close them. Don't expect clean lines and the paint is usually super glossy white.  I mean will this affect your living situation?  Not necessarily.  But depending how old the building is and how it settled you can have separations between baseboards and the floor WHICH can lead to bug problems.  Also, buildings in the 1950's weren't made to accommodate 6 TVs, a computer, 8 iPhone plugs, etc. There usually isn't an abundance of electrical outlets peppered throughout every room so keep that in mind when you mentally place you furniture. 

Water Pressure

Water pressure issues happen more often than not. Older buildings can have TERRIBLE water pressure. Ever tried to shave or shampoo your hair on a campground and rinse off in front of a mist of needle-water from those terrible, cheap shower heads?  Yea, that's what was in my new apartment and it was a complete gut/remodel. Thankfully I was able to really address the problem with a replacement shower head from Bed Bath & Beyond for about $60. This clearly doesn't affect the water from the sinks though or if you have a dishwasher or washing machine in your unit. This is another easy thing to check for when you're taking the pipes for a test drive. 

Sound

Things are gonna creak.  They might even rattle, bang, shebang, wiggle, and thwack.  Wood floors are great for cleaning reasons but if your upstairs neighbor does... well, anything, you're probably going to hear it.  Babies crying, dogs barking, sex (sounds hot in theory but you end up feeling like a fucking creep even when all you're trying to do is read the latest issue of Marie Claire).  If you check out a new place in the day this is going to be a hard one to judge but if you can get in around 6ish you should be able to get a good idea of what goes on after dinner.

Careful Considerations

Location

If you don't have a car the CTA becomes your lifeline. Or is it the bane of your existence...?  Either way your distance from the train will factor into your daily commute, the noise level from the tracks, your rent, and your neighborhood. 

I lived very close to the tracks at first and I couldn't open my windows without hearing trains zooming by. Trains are not quiet. But I was 100ft from the entrance so I was basically home as soon as I got off the platform.  When I moved I went to a location that's about a 7 min walk to the nearest platform. Doesn't seem like a lot but if you miss that one train you can be standing there for another 7 minutes and u just added 15 to your daily commute. 

Most people live close to the redline followed by the brown and blue lines. Rent tends to be more expensive near the red line, being the main north to south line in Chicago #convenience. The further north and west you go the lower your rent but clearly the longer your commute to do everything centrally located off the redline.  

Floor

It matters.  Garden units are darker, usually have tiny windows, are more susceptible to bug infestation AND they are easier to break into.  Personally I couldn't imagine feeling like I am living in someone's basement but I think the pull is that they are usually a little less expensive.  

The higher up you go the hotter your unit is going to be and in a vintage building with radiator heat it can get PRETTY toasty up in there.  I prefer the highest possible unit because of noise.  Ever had a morbidly obese person stomp around on your ceiling at 2:30 in the morning?  Yea, me too until I snatched 'em up and hung them out to dry... and by that I mean I just laid in bed and talked shit about them to myself until I passed out again.

I've had two apartment buildings and I have seen roaches in both of them on the ground levels.  While roaches don't always make it up to the tip top of the buildings if they do regular, monthly spraying, you might save yourself a headache by trying to make it up as high as possible.  This, of course, hinges on whether or not it's an elevator building which I'll get to in a few secs.

Phone Reception

Look at your phone. Does it work?  Does it work in the bedroom but not anywhere else?  Are you going to have to keep it on a window ledge to make sure you receive your texts and phone calls?  The nice thing about some phones is that they enable wi-fi calling which can be a quick fix. It's nice to know this before you lie down in bed for the first time in your new place and realized your phone is basically only good for an alarm clock. 

"LUXURY" Items

No, I don't mean angora stolls and crystal chandeliers. Air conditioning/Central Air, washer/dryer hookups, a dish washer, a separate kitchen/dining space and/or a kitchen with grown-up sized appliances - all examples of things you shouldn't expect to find unless you are WTP... Willing. To. Pay. 

Kitchen

If your appliances are smaller some of your cookware might not fit.  If you cook a lot (everyday) you could find yourself washing dishes for hours a week without a dishwasher. Walking down two floors to do laundry isn't too bad until you start losing dollar after dollar in broken machines that don't drain the water out or dryers that don't get hot... Plus you start finding random panties stuck in your pillow case which makes me a little uneasy. #bedbugs

Central Air 

You nasty beast. Since when did u become reserved for the elite?! Chicago isn't always hot but when it is, expect to sweat through you sheets, take cold showers, and walk around completely naked STRICTLY out of necessity. Some buildings let u install window units and some don't. Some make u pay to have one and some will let you buy your own but schedule a time for maintenance to install it. I thought I could make it this year... I got to June 23rd and refused to go anymore.  

Radiator heat comes with its own set of special characteristics too. First of all a radiator is hot so yes, you CAN burn/melt things on one. They can also bang if cold water stays in the pipes when the hot steam starts to go through it. They hiss, they make bubble sounds, they can melt your floors if the building uses laminate rather than hard wood and they can warp hard wood if they leak. Keep it in mind when ur placing furniture bc whatever is by it is gonna get warm. 

I woke up once bc I rolled over and slapped my foot right on it.  Just right down on it. 

In Unit/Building Laundry

I would say 85% of the buildings I have seen have an in-building laundry area. That can mean a few things:

1. It's in the basement of your building and you can reach it from the interior

2. It's in the basement of your building and you can reach it from the exterior

I have been fortunate enough to live in buildings where I could walk downstairs to the laundry room which has about 3 washers and 3 dryers. More expensive buildings (closer to downtown) have larger and newer facilities where you could be looking at about 8 washers/dryers. Now if you're someone who just throws it in and forgets it, the location of the facility probably doesn't matter BUT if you're like me laundry can go a little like this:

- Haul everything downstairs and hope the washers are free. 

- Load em up and then hope the washers actually fill with water after you've put in your money. 

- If they fill up you have 18 minutes before you have to come back down and pour in your fabric softener (I don't care what you say - dryer sheets do NOT make your clothes soft). 

- If the washer is broken and doesn't drain you get to wring everything out, put it in a laundry bag and wait to switch it into a washer that does work in another 20-25 minutes. 

- Come back downstairs and switch everything into dryers. You can select the temperature setting but it's usually, in reality, "Hot", "Super Hot", and "Surface of the Sun".

- Come back down in an hour and haul it all back upstairs 

NOTE: I would not recommend leaving soap, softener, or quarters unattended or leaving your clothes in a machine too long. Even in a 3-5 floors low-rise people are fighting over the machines. 

If your laundry room is accessible from the exterior just know that your "commute" time is going to be even more and you will have to deal with going out in the dark and the weather. Ever had to wear snow boots to walk and snatch your whites?

Laundromats are my favorite (always have been) because you can wash 12 loads at once and be done in two hours PLUS you can watch Spanish soap operas. If you do a load once a week though you can alleviate a lot of this hassle but who has time for that?  This is Chicago and we've all got fun shit to do. 

Elevators

If you are in the market for a smaller building in one of the neighborhoods you may or may not have an elevator.   On a normal day it's really just a minor inconvenience. On moving day, though, it can severely affect your progress and level of perspiration. Are you moving yourself or are you hiring movers?  Will your furniture fit up the stairs?  You are going to have to put down a move-in deposit but if you bang the shit out the stairway you might not get it back. 

Grocery day can prove difficult as well.  I have a small cart I can use when I really need to stock up but then I'm wheeling 75 pounds around with ease and giving myself a hernia walking up 4 flights of stairs.  It also can become an issue if you have someone elderly visit who can't easily go up and down stairs or if you travel a lot and have to travel with medium or large suitcases. 

I don't even have to revisit the laundry situation if you're on 6 and it's in the basement, right?

In Building Maintainence/Management 

My first building didn't have it and my second did. There are actually differences in renter laws that hinge on whether management is located on the premise:

If your management is on-site it seems to be a "better" option. There is always someone in the office to address issues or concerns, it's easy to let someone know about a repair that needs to be done, and the small things tend to be handled a bit faster. There is also somewhere to have packages delivered. 

Now... I'm gonna be honest here - dealing with any kind of landlord is a fucking nightmare. Sometimes things get fixed if they HAVE to be fixed but other things can still fall in the cracks. I've been where I am a year and I still don't have my name in the call box outside but they installed my AC the same day I called.  Pick your battles?

Conclusion

Whew!  So hopefully this gave you a bit of insight into apartment shopping in Chicago neighborhoods.  As I said before - I'm no pro. This is a blog and it's just for fun but if I missed something you have experienced drop me a line!

Happy hunting folks. Good luck. God speed. Mazel tov. 

Before Chicago I never knew gay men watched sports. I thought we had Oscar parties and perfected our needle-craft.  I have since been schooled and although I still don't quite understand the rules of football (and I certainly still can't sit through an entire baseball or basketball game) I'm thankful for Crew -

"Chicago's premier gay sports bar + grill"

I've been to Crew about ten times. I'm a beer fan and, growing up in Ohio, a sports bar fan. 

Side note - I miss my Fricker's

The bar is located on Broadway & Lawrence in Chicago's Uptown and has a full menu, seasonal and rotating drafts beers, daily specials, and an outdoor patio.  (Who doesnt like a patio?). They have 21- some TVs to fulfill the sports bar standard, host GLBT community events like a Chili Contest and fundraising events as well as bar staples (trivia, karaoke, DJs, AND a Hot Jock jockstrap contest - which I accidentally happened upon one faithful Spring evening ). 

$1-2 Taco Tuesday

The staff is friendly and always familiar, the food is great and the prices are fine (especially when you check out the daily specials).  The sports bar sans-douche! They are open Sunday-Saturday so even if your waistline doesn't support the decision, you could easily find an excuse to visit multiple times a week.

At least try the $1 Tacos. #idie

If you want to try a fun neighborhood-y spot check it out. They keep the calendar up to date so you can easily check out what's on and poppin'. 

I give it 4.5/5 Beergaritas. It's probably not everybody's cup of tea but if you're a Midwesterner, sports nut, or grub/bubbles enthusiast I think you'll make out like a bandit. 

C U Next Tuesday!

(...it's Taco Day.)

Have you ever realized that the older people become the more they say things like "Where does the time go?" Or "It's been 10 years since high school?!"  You know - all the shit you never say when you're taking 18 credit hours and working 20 hours a week at Starbucks grinding coffee beans.  Then you find yourself waking up at 28 on Monday morning about to start another 40 hour week wondering why you look so tired and why the hell your belly button is showing more and more through your shirt. 

Because the real world" is boring. Most people work 40, 50, 60 hours a week and try to balance a social life in the dead space while maintaining a clean house and making sure there's at least cereal AND milk available for those nights you just can't fathom dirtying the entire kitchen. That is, if you even have a full-sized kitchen. 

For those of you who were like me and the handful of my friends who were the first ones to go to college, it's super convenient to adapt to the concept that your life is meant to be a job or, if you're lucky, a career.  Step 1 - college. Step 2 - job. Step 3 - marriage. Step 4 - die. 

Say whaaat?  You think about it that way and it sounds ridiculous but how many people that you know are doing anything different?  I look on Facebook at how people live their lives and spend their time and I'm saddened that the reality seems to be a lot of people lay down and die at 25 because there is no longer a plan" to follow. If you don't go to grad school for your Masters or Doctorate you're just kinda left to your own devices and told to figure it out yourself. 

Work for 30k and if that's not enough find a partner, combine your income, and then it'll all make sense. 

What if you're gay?  What if your goal isn't to get married and have 8 babies?  What if your goals don't have anything to do with work and you want to live on a beach and sell hemp bracelets and play the ukulele?  The gays end up drinking themselves into oblivion and lonely at 40, the straights feel unaccomplished bc all their girlfriends are paired off so they settle for the guy who hasn't stopped partying like its 1999, and the beach bums are "immature" and need to "get their shit together."

Well I'm here to tell you I think that is fucked up. 100% - fucked. up. 

I've met all kinds of people - professionals, young professionals, people who are self-employed and successful, people who are self-employed and unsuccessful, students, adult students, artists, etc etc.  You know what I found out?  The people who are the most unhappy are the ones who thought they were following the "rules" and doing what they were supposed to do.  I was conditioned to think a 35 year old bartender missed the mark and couldn't grow up and the self-employed business woman was the brave one; the smart one. But the bartender is the one who has filled his life with passion and let's his job be that - a job. 

I realized that life is a series of small moments that, when combined together into weeks/months/years make up a story.  Who wants to read a novel about a guy who works a full time job drafting documents and drinks after work until bedtime?  Boring. Who wants to talk to a person who only talks about money and his/her career and all that blah blah bullshit?  Nobody.  Who are the interesting folk?  It's the 65 year old woman who was a lounge singer, and a flight attendant, who partied through the 70s, lived in Rome in the 90s, and who still enjoys a whiskey on the rocks and grows her own herbs and cooks with butter. It's the couple who got married because they WANTED to - because they love each other and want to experience the entire world together. It's the person who raised a middle finger to the norm and did whatever the fuck they wanted to do because, the simplest reality is, it is their life.

It's not about money. It's about passion. It's about experience and love and being moved to tears because you allow yourself to feel what the world has to offer - not what it takes away. 

So you got a late start - who cares. So you're single at 30 and your girlfriends have 4 kids - you're still young. You don't make 90k and live in and apartment with your cats - at least they won't judge you when you need to sit in your bathrobe and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

The point of this post is to share my inspiration because I have been lucky enough to feel inspired by other people.  If you are happily married with a gaggle of babies I commend you because that is not for everyone and if you raise those babies with love and support them and teach them how to be happy and successful and appreciative - that is more amazing than any other gift they'll ever receive.  To be taught how to be happy inside and not always think its "out there somewhere"... invaluable.  I would never look down on a stay at home mom or dad who absolutely loves what she/he does.  I just wanna see people living.  I wanna see people chose to live.

We're all trying - trying to glue together the pieces and figure out how to make sense of it all.  It's a big world and it's a scary world sometimes which is why I hope everybody can stop and feel that sunshine, smell that rose, and steal a hug and a smooch from whoever or whatever makes your heart beat.

It's never too late to be the boss of your experience.  It's never too late to start a new chapter.

Somebody, somewhere, at some point will want to read your book.

Wang's is interesting.  It's small and on the "Broadway" part of Boystown (Halsted being the "main" drag).  So it's one street east and an obscure little spot denoted with an ornate Chinese door and windows covered in newspaper.

Needless to say when I walked in the gravity of the situation became immediately apparent because I, as always, had to pee.  I walked through the bar (about the size of a studio apartment) and felt along the wall for the door knob.  Once inside the bathroom it hit me - WANGS.

No, literally - I was visually barraged with image after image of dicks.  They are plastered on all the walls, the door, the ceilings.  It was dick for days and I had no idea why until halfway through my personal undertakings I saw the hook:

"Send cock pics to: wangschicago@gmail.com"

I was standing in a restroom covered in the genitalia of decades of former patrons.  I stood in awe, thinking of how many men, like myself, were confused, curious, and then compelled to submit their dirty favorites so as to be immortalized on this... this wall of wieners!

Then I wondered what all the women thought when they walked in there.

The bar resembles an opium den - deep woods, ornate bar, it's pretty much totally red.  There are a few small tables hidden in dark corners and, I can only assume, a lot of secrets hidden in the back-room.  One of those joints that makes you feel like its midnight even when it's 3pm.

Needless to say I did not walk out with a Mogwai like I was hoping but I did have a great Karma martini.  It was gin and Asian treats.  There is no tap (*tear* for beer drinkers) and the cocktails are moderately priced ($8-$12), Asian-inspired, and incorporate lotus, ginger, etc etc.

I'd go back.  In fact, I have to go back... Otherwise I'll never see if I made the cut.

Or uncut.

I dedicate this post to my vegetarian pals. Without you I would eat nothing but chicken and Doritos. Your influence is inspirational and good for my waistline.

So I have a weird relationship with food; I love to cook but hate to clean up and love eating vegetarian but know I'm going to end up starving and will eat a bowl of Gummi Bears. But I do love zucchini and think they deserve a little spotlight.

I found two recipes and, of course, had to experiment with them because I think directions are SstuUuuuUupiiIiiIiD. Here's what happened:

Grilled Zucchini Pizza

by: Erin Brooks
"she cooks, she gardens"

http://shecooksshegardens.com/2012/12/grilled-zucchini-pizza/

Ingredients:

1 Wholemeal Wrap  I don't get it.  What is wholemeal?  Is that wholegrain?  I used wheat.
2 tbs Hommus  I had hummus, not hommus.  I don't even... whatever.
1/2 Medium-Sized Zucchini  Finally, something I understand.  I used my mandolin slicer.
1-2 tbs Verjuice (optional) You know what I have to say about this.  Is a "ver" a cactus?  Like... 
     aloe VERa?  #skip

12 g Feta Cheese  

2 tbs Sunflower Seeds  #skip
1/2 ts Lemon Myrtle  Again with the nonsense.  Lemon Myrtle was a dragqueen I met in Virginia Beach in the
     90s... and I'm CERTAINLY not putting that bitch in my toaster oven.  Substitute lemon juice.

Salt & Pepper to taste  Plus red pepper flakes
Garnish - Snow Pea Sprouts  No.

Directions:

1 - Turn on grill.

I will kill you so hard for telling me to turn on my grill.  I live in a studio apartment - it's a toaster oven or I'm not doin it.

2 - Lay wrap out flat on an over tray.

Paper plate and then directly on the rack.

3 - Thinly slice zucchini into coins and, if using, sprinkle over a little of the verjuice

I spread em out nice and perdy.  I overlapped them a little because I really like zucchini.
4 - Spread out hommus onto the base to cover.

Nice and easy - treat it like a lady.
5 - Top with zucchini, a little feta, and some sunflower seeds

I skipped the seed and added sun-dried tomato.  I win.
6 - Sprinkle a little lemon myrtle over the top and then season with salt and pepper.

Cut a lemon in half and squeeze a little taste over all your goodies.  NOT too much.

7 - Pop under the grill for about 10 minutes until lightly browned.

Ok... I'm not sure what kind of grills they have in Australia but the only one I am familiar with you put things on top of, not below.  I'm not sure if she means a broiler or what.  I popped it in my toaster oven, on the rack, for about 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

8 - Garnish with some snow pea sprouts and serve.

F the sprouts.  They taste like grass.  DO serve with a seasonal ale.

Baked Zucchini Chips

by: Erin Brooks

"Vittles and Bits"

http://vittlesandbits.blogspot.com/2012/03/baked-zucchini-chips.html

Ingredients:

1 Zucchini  

Canola Spray  LOL... we'll get to this.

Salt & Pepper (Or any other seasoning)  Again, plus red pepper flakes.

Directions:

1 - Preheat oven to 225 degrees Fahrenheit.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or nonstick foil and spray with canola oil.  Set aside.

Simple enough...  Turned on the oven and lined a pan with foil.  I tossed my zucchini in a little EVOO instead.

2 - Slice zucchini into thin medallions, about the thickness of a quarter. (You can either use a knife & a very steady hand, or a mandoline slicer.)

I used a mandolin slice because I'm not too steady with a knife at my age.

3 - Lay out slices on prepared baking sheet, and spray tops lightly with additional cooking spray. Sprinkle with seasonings of your choice. (A note on seasoning, however - use LESS than what seems appropriate. These shrink considerably in the oven, and if you use too much it gets very concentrated. It's better to end up underseasoning and add more later.)

I had already tossed mine in a little seasoning so I didn't really feel the need to season any more.  I got this whole zucchini chip thing on LOCK.


4 - Place in preheated oven and bake 45 minutes. Rotate baking sheet, and bake an additional 30-50 minutes, until chips are browned and crisped to your liking. These are best eaten within a couple hours of removing from the oven, as they start to get chewy if left out. 

One zucchini makes one serving 

(1/4 C. - 1/3 C. of chips depending on the size of your squash).

HERE THEY ARE!!!  ZUCCHINI CHIPS!!!

Wait.  No it's not because I never GOT ANY because I can't make this recipe fucking work. Let us examine the deets:

1 - I thought I would be smart and just toss them in olive oil.  I burned them to an absolute crisp.
2 - I didn't heed the warning about salt and they shrunk and tasted like black flakes of burned salt.
3 - Re-did the recipe and followed the directions exactly but the slices literally baked flat into the pan and became zucchini paper.  There's no coming back from that.
4 - 45 minutes...25 minutes... I don't get it.  I really just don't get how to make this one work.

Overall opinion is that Zucchini Pizza is easy, worth it, tastes good, and hard to mess up.  If anybody else has a tasty recipe throw it at me because I'm all about a crunchy treat... except when it's burned up crunchy pieces of zucchini "chips" and then I say no thank you - Pretzels are juuuust fine.

It's finally happening; it's my turn to play the leading role in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. Having seen the movie entirely too many times (upwards of 125) I've been practicing my tell-off speech for Christy Masters since I was 14 and in the closet.

The film won absolutely nothing and rightfully so. But what did we all learn from Mira Sovino and Liza Kudrow's self-actualization?

When in doubt sound as fancy as you can. And if that doesn't work, wear something slutty.

I remember when I was younger I thought I would be married with kids and living in a castle on the moon by 27. 27 sounded like a good age for babies. Well here is 27 and it's not such a cute idea anymore. I have tailored-suits to buy and teeth to whiten. I can't be throwing money at babies who rarely ever say thank you. And people almost always think it distasteful to set a bucket seat on the barstool next to you.  So strike out the reproduction option and pump more effort into the career muscles.

One of the first things people ask you when they meet you is "And what do you do?" I'm always daunted.  I don't know... I do a lot. I sing and whistle all the time, I blog about recipes I almost always mess up.  I talk to myself and crochet when I'm stressed out and have dance parties in the middle of the day when I get woozy.  Not to mention, is it just me or do you ever feel like a showboat when you spout off a job title?  Ohhhh you're in real-estate development?  So you do drywall.  Ohhhh you're an associate fashion editor for Vogue?  So you clean the coffee pots and write a quiz bi-yearly about how to tell if your boyfriend is cheating with the Barista.

In all seriousness, you know what I mean. After 25 it's all a matter of what you do for work.  Because, and sadly you can't deny, it is because people are interested in how much money you make so they can gauge their own success in comparison to your success, and discern whether they could/will benefit from being your acquaintance.  Shame on you for denying you've never done it.  You've never made a strategic decision to be nice to someone who you perceive to have more clout?  I know I have.  Call me shady but someone once told me it's all about who you know and who you b!@# and I'm certainly not trying to b!@# my rolodex.  Again.

But what if you just don't know what you do? What if your grand plan doesn't include an amazing and prestigious career? What if a person's goal is to make as much money as possible by doing the least amount of work so they can enjoy their time off more regularly and fanciful?  I'm not so sure I entirely disagree with that philosophy.

I have NEVER had one plan and I used to be fine with it. I have worked retail, in visual merchandising, as a makeup artist, a manager, a photographer, a designer. I have a good job now but I still want to act again - do a play, be an extra, trip at the Golden Globes ad accidentally fall into/in-love with Hugh Jackman. Isn't that... alright? Shouldn't we all be able to do whatever we want to do without someone making a snarky comment about over-extension or adopting the jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none mentality?  Because if what we do is more on the philanthropic side nobody turns up their nostrils.  If you volunteer for the ARC, Children's Hospital, The Human Society, and your local community farmer's market your a peach - a gem among garbage.

 80% of college freshmen are unsure of their major... 

The New York Times last year said that 80% of college freshmen are unsure of their major and 31% are able to obtain their Bachelor's degree within (the standard) 4 years.  Another 56%, on average, finishes theirs in 6 years.  Those few lucky ones know what they want (or what their parents want them to want) early and hit the ground running with college courses during Study Hall.  I did not fall into that category.

I envy those who have only one option.  It's kind of like when you go to Cheesecake Factory and have to read the 40-page menu to decide on what to have for dinner.  It's too much.  When you only get to choose chicken, steak, fish, or vegetarian it's a 5-minute decision and then on to witty banter over cocktails.

Mmm... cocktails.

When you are a searcher and think about the thousands of majority/minor combination, what school to go to, what position to take/turn down, where to live, etc., I mean Lord have mercy!  How can anyone know 100% what they'll do for 60 years?  Is there REALLY someone out there who went to college and worked in the same industry their entire career?  If so I'd love to by you a cup or coffee and figure out how the hell you pulled it off.  I'm serious.  I'm really serious.

I think about when I'm old... Like, really old. When I'm old and stuck in a nursing home on the moon I want to have stories. "Oh I went to Venice once for blah blah blah," "Once Jennifer Lawrence and I had ice cream and played slots all night in Fiji, "Once I did Meredith Baxter Bernie's makeup for a survival story about rape and ugly divorce on WE."

You get where I'm going.

I work a lot. I work a lot and when you wake up and work and go home, work out, make dinner, go to bed, repeat... Where the hell is the excitement. All work and no play makes Ricky a cranky bitch.  And I think a lot of people feel like that.  If I learned anything from my year in network marketing it's that people are always searching for a way to stop feeling sick and tired.  People are searching for whatever it is that makes them happy.  Sadly, I also learned a valuable piece of information from a previous manager.  She told me that the majority of people aren't happy with what they do and, because of that, search for happiness as best they can outside of work/a career.  Bleak?  Maybe.  True?  Ehhh... maybe.

So my goal for the reunion is that everyone will take a Xanax and just go for the hors d'oevures. And when someone asks what I do I'll just smile, sip my dacquiri, and whip my hair back and forth.  OR, better yet, maybe we can not make it a popularity contest like it always used to be and help each other reach Nirvana?  I'll be sure to fill everybody in on the gory details come August.

So what do YOU do? Keep it simple. Keep it cute. Your future relationships depend on it.

...But write a really great tell-off monologue. Just in case.

photo by Vinna Katz

I like to have cocktails. I've liked having cocktails since I was 8. Aunt Patty and I would sip Crown Royal straight from the freezer and play illegal slots in the back room of Vera's Lounge. I was in it for the purple, velvet bag at first because I just KNEW I could fit all my gemstones and Tigers Eyes inside.

#WestCarrollton
#BabyGay

This past Christmas my buddy and I decided to do a DIY gift box filled with homemade goodies sporting trashy labels. It was a big success. We did two infused vodkas and, after countless tastings, I decided to give myself a yummy treat and do MYSELF a bottle.

I found the instructions all kinds of places (its all the same) but here are a few:
• About.com : How To Infuse Spirits
• A Beautiful Mess : Adventures in Infused Vodka
• wikiHow : How to Infuse Vodka with Flavor

I'm not going to reiterate their instructions. 

What I AM going to do is tell you everything not to do. 

These are anti-instructions. 

If you're anything like me you learn from fucking something up.

If you are using berries or anything that absorbs liquid, understand that they will ABSORB liquid. After a week and a half and two bushels of strawberries I had lost maybe 25% of my booze which, clearly, wouldn't do at all.

OUTS

• First of all - don't buy a handle of Papov and call it fancy-pants. It tastes like cheap vodka with a strawberry in it. I bought a smaller bottle of a mid-quality vodka because something happens as the berries ferment a little that makes it smell even more like potato water and burning. Personally I have never tried the Brita trick of filtering it 6 times but something about that doesn't seem realistic. If YOU have, let me know the results.

• Don't try to squeeze the vodka out of the berries with a paper towel. You will probably squeeze them straight through it. Not even Brawny can handle it and before you know it you've plopped them right back into the vodka and splashed it in your eyes. If this happens, take a sip and carry on.

• Maybe you can blend the strawberries and just strain them out?! BRILLIANT! That way you don't have to squeeze them in your filthy little paws.  Well it is a great idea until you realize straining vodka filled with berry mush is a fucking mess. It won't strain through paper towels or coffee filters. Before I knew what had happened my kitchen was covered in booze and I was drunk and eating I Can't Believe It's Not Butter off a makeup brush.

INS

After much frustration I gave up until I figured out how to get my mush out of my vodka. I put it in a pitcher in the fridge and gave it dirty looks every time I snatched a Coke Zero.

Must Have - Cheesecloth.

You can't find it fucking anywhere but Bed Bath & Beyond. I looked at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, & Target. I mean I don't know about you all but if I cant find it at Target, I'm straight convinced that shit ain't real-life. BB&B sells one brand of it and it's a strange waxy kind of cloth that doesn't seem to absorb liquid.

#BlackMagic

I folded it on itself twice and went to town. My mush didn't stand a chance of ending up in my vodka after that. I strained mine twice and rinsed the cloth in between

All the trouble aside I think it's worth it. The vodka is bright pink (enough said) and smells like strawberry jam. If you like giving boozy gifts, give it a whirl. You can also do the same thing in a smaller bottle with a few split vanilla beans and let it sit for a few months to make vanilla extract.

If you've done this or have yummy infusion ideas, well, put a sticky on it and drop me a line.

I think Gummi Bear is next for me. The kids on the playground all seem to love it.

Drink on, friends. Drink on.

As someone who struggles with my personal identity and who is constantly searching for the next component to add to my Personality Resume, I had a breakthrough recently over Subway cookies, Italian meats (I can't pronounce), and a chilly 312. Lemme tell ya about it.

So making friends in the city is complicated. If you want to meet people you have, primarily, a few options; work, some type of extra-curricular, a bar, or online. In my experience meeting friends through work is one of the best ways IF you have a job where you come in contact with a large amount of people fairly frequently. Macy's is still the best meeting place for gals and gays this side of the Mississippi - I'd bet my entire collection of Chanel lipsticks on that. But sometimes you sit in a cubicle or behind a drive-thru window (or worse, although I cayn't imagine anything worse) so you try out a book club or art show. Well the snag there is they actually expect you to read the books AND they're almost never about Edward, Bella, Bill, or Sookie. And, as I can vouche, artists are self-centered and want to talk about their OWN creative process and how deeply rooted their painting of a dot goes and how it's a "representation of the societal differences and social class blabbity bloop blahbitty". I'm like, "Dude, I wanna eat this pizza, drink a beer, and talk about scary movies and where to buy good weed." I kid, I kid - I only like romantic comedies.

But if you do want to chat about art, e-mail me.  I'd be glad to talk to you about myself.

ANYHOO, that leaves bars - where everyone is wasted and forget your name as soon as you say it.  Next, onto the Internet. Need I explain Grindr? I didn't think so.

So I met some people on a job... to keep their identities a secret we'll call them Jim and BJ.  Jim and BJ are two gays who recently got married and actually followed through and meant it when they said "we should have a drink sometime!"

So I swing by my buddy's and have some drinks with him and his bf before heading over to BJ and Jim's palace.  That's palace - not place.  I'm younger and wasn't sure what to expect.  I mean, I've seen the good, bad, and fucking crazy at weddings so I didn't know what to expect.  The last thing I wanted was for someone to say "Oh hey… didn't you walk around with a light and a bag at BJ and Jim's wedding?  Neat…"  Then there's the ever popular "Who are you again?  ... Aaaand HOW old are you?"

Please Note:  This is NOT because I expected anyone to be a dick-face.  This is simply because I have an engrained fear of someone not liking me.  I could walk into a room and woo 24 out of 25 and still kick myself in the shins because I didn't get all 25.  This is probably because I was made fun of for years, everyday, because I couldn't shoot a fucking basketball in gym class.  Unfortunately people don't forget...  But everyone that made me miserable got fat.  So, in a lot of ways, I win.

Again, I digress - Back to business...

Well I was tickled pink at what happened.  I spent the night with gays and lesbians, in a beautiful condo and chatted about everything from peeing the bed, racial slurs, food, whiskey, and wall sconces.

What I love, and what inspired me to write on it, is that over the course of that evening I spent time with a doctor, teacher, photographer, business owner, a painter, a designer (you get it). And - it was fine, which is a lesson I needed to learn.  Nobody looked down on anyone else or talked about money, or anything else terribly embarrassing.  I realized that sometimes people aren't assholes.  Sometimes a person is just that - a person. A person isn't their job. A person is bigger than their bank account.

AND people like to shoot the shit.  A lot.

I stress about money and, unfortunately, I do base some of my pride on how much money I'm making. Give me a break, I didn't grow up with money.  The parents split and I went to college which I'll be paying for, apparently, for the next 743 years.  But I want to wear nice clothes, have a cute apartment, own a car again (at some point) and I'm a shopper, Hontey.  And all that combined gets in the way of really doing your life and experiencing the fun and not-so-fun of it and being around interesting people.

One of the things I truly love about being here is meeting and being around people that are interesting and quirky and fun. I've maintained a fairly consistent core group of friends up until now and, sometimes, it does feel like a selfish decision to have left that group to explore a more exciting career-route and meet other folks.  It kind of makes you feel like a turd when you say you felt like you "outgrew" somewhere or "just had to get out".

I do believe that a place is only as good as the people in it.  If a teacher can talk to me about convincing someone else that HE pee'd the bed and then we can all nosh and smoke cigarettes until 2am, there's no reason why someone should feel like there's nobody out there to meet, be it platonically or romantically.

Long story short:
- go places when you're invited
- never underestimate the power of the Subway
- talk to strangers, ESPECIALLY when they offer you treats
- worry about making friends more than you worry about making more cash. They last longer, they talk back, and they're always good for bumming cigs and shooting the shit.

And, lastly, a big hug to BJ and Jim for embracing my crazy and incorporating me into theirs.  May we all end up in straightjackets in Miami by age 85.

So I took Monday off to recover from a super long work day (17 hours) on Saturday and to catch up on my housewife duties.  Since I'm not married and live alone I slept uptil 1pm and then took 7 hours to put away my 2-foot Christmas tree and do 3 loads of laundry.

I decided around 7:30pm that I should at least leave the apartment building once so I felt like I reeeeeally took advantage of the extra day off.  I told the old ball-and-chain I was headed to the market and he needed to to do something productive since I had been slaving over the Christmas tree for decades.  He lives in Ohio and we were Skyping so I think he ignored me and started watching porn.  

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Anyhoo, I went to the Morse Market around the corner and through the hood to grab some veggies and other goodies so I could make some delicious treats for myself this week.  I was stumbling past the tomato pyramid (and yes, I squeezed every one of them) when I stopped dead in my tracks in front of a bunch of kale.  Have you ever seen kale on the stem?  It's like 6 feet long.

So I'm standing in the isle, trying to figure out how to fashion this shit into a head-dress, and it hit me - I hate Olive Garden! BUT they make the best soup I've ever had - Zuppa Toscana.  It's a creamy-ish potato, kale, and sausage soup that I got every time I went.  Since I've been to Olive Garden 3 times total in 37 years you can IMAGINE how badly I wanted it.  So I goorgled a copycat recipe, stocked up on the goods and decided to give it a whirl.

Here's what happened:

Olive Garden Zuppa Toscana

by: Cycle Michael

http://www.food.com/recipe/olive-garden-copycat-zuppa-toscana-38298

Ingredients:

1 lb Italian sausage (I like mild sausage)   NO - use spicy.  Unless you're a puss.
2 large russet baking potatoes, sliced in half, and then in 1/4 inch slices
1 large onion, chopped
1/4 cup bacon bit (optional)  NOT optional.  And don't use "Bacon Bit".  Be a grown-up and use you 
     some real bacon crumblies.

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 cups kale or 2 cups swiss chard, chopped  Kale.
2 (8 ounce) cans chicken broth  I don't know if you notice or not, but this is the same as 16 ounces… 

     Also I used chicken stock, not broth.  I don't know what the difference is.

1 quart water  WTF is a quart?  I didn't even add water.
1 cup heavy whipping cream

Directions:

1 - Chop or slice uncooked sausage into small pieces.

Or you can get it in the tubes and squish it out the ends.  Makes me sick every.  time.

2 - Brown sausage in your soup pot.

3 - Add chicken broth and water to pot and stir.

Like I said earlier, I didn't even add water.  I totally forgot about it.  I just put in the chicken stock and the cream and called myself Giada.

4 - Place onions, potatoes, and garlic in a separate pot.

This is where I got confused.  Two pots?!  Ain't nobody got time for dat.  I threw the garlic and onions in with the sausage when it was about half cooked. 
5 - Cook on medium heat until potatoes are done.

This I did.  Kinda.  I basically just poured all the liquids in and cooked in on medium until the taters were easy to cut in half with my spoontula. 
6 - Add sausage and bacon.

I clearly didn't do this because the sausage was already in there because I used one pot.  Because that's the eco-friendly thing to do.  I  crumbled up about 4 pieces of cooked bacon and tossed it in. 
7 - Salt and pepper to taste.
8 - Simmer for another 10 minutes.

I ended up cooking mine for like 15 minutes on medium heat.

8.5 - Have 3 cocktails

 

9 - Turn to low heat.
10 - Add kale and cream.

When the potatoes were soft I tossed in the kale and simmered it on low for another 5 minutes.
11 - Heat through and serve.

And… VOILA!

Let me just pat myself on the ass and tell you all that this soup… is the shit.  It's spicy and filling and totally put me in the mood to watch a movie and eat ice cream out of the container.  It's not really easy because I tried to be all Food Network about it and cut the kale off the stems until I got good and drunk and just ripped it all off and threw it everywhere.  Everyone deals with stress differently.

In retrospect I should have waited on the cream but I had already mixed it with the chicken stock and I needed the liquid… because I forgot to add the water.  I think I maybe heated it up a little too much but it's delish all the same.

I give this recipe 4.5/5 kale stems.  It's going in my recipe book just as soon as I buy a recipe book.